Life. It happens. It gets chaotic. It gets stressful. It gets going. Sometimes that can be perfectly fine and sometimes that can be perfectly overwhelming. Being a mom of 3 that are 4 years old and under, plus being a wife, working full-time, and all of the other hats that I wear can be a bit much at times. I usually handle it all well but every once in a while I will have a moment. A moment where I am overcome with stress, anxiety, fear, exhaustion, and guilt. It’s a whole mix of emotions.
Right now, the most of what I am feeling is guilt. And why? Because I don’t feel “on top of it” when it comes to making Holland’s “first foods” or being a big-enough part of her eating said food. I am not kidding. That is the root of my guilt right now. I wish I were kidding. I feel bad for Holland. I feel like I am not as good as a mommy to her because I am not as present as I was with Poppy & Hudson at this age. When Poppy was starting her first foods I made everything. A huge variety. A variety of single items and mixed items. I was so organized and “on top of it”. I worked but I was in sales and so I was not out of the house 40+ hours a week as I am now. With Hudson I was a stay at home mom at this time of his life. I made all of his food, also, and I was the only person feeding it to him. He had quite the extensive variety, also, however he quickly started to prefer finger foods over purees – but either way – I was making it all for him. Again, I was “on top of it”. With Holland, at 7 months, she has tried just a handful of foods, which I have made, however, I am rarely the one feeding her and often times completely forget at dinner time that she should be eating, also. She only has 5 things prepared for her in the variety department in the freezer. I feel guilty. This wave of guilt washes over me and leaves me feeling like I am depriving her, neglecting her, and not being fair to her based on where her siblings were at this stage. Realistically, this probably is not that big of a deal. Realistically, she is just fine and has tried a handful of foods and eats and is fed one way or another. Realistically, I should keep in mind that I am already making multiple individual-meals for our family at dinner time and for snacks/breakfast/lunch with our new dietary restrictions (post to follow) and I should cut myself slack as the 7 month old knows no different and is far from starving or deprived in her cuisine and budding-palette. But, realistically, does any of that actually console me or ease my stress/anxiety/GUILT? Nope. It doesn’t. And that begs the question – then what will? A surplus of home-made baby food overflowing from the freezer? Maybe. A baby who eats 3 meals a day (at least one fed by yours-truly) and loves every single bite? Maybe. I honestly don’t know. I just know that being a mom, a working mom, a busy mom, a hands-on mom, is a hard job. It’s a stressful job. It’s like 12 jobs in one.
There are plenty of days that go by where I feel like I’ve got it all together and figured out. Then a few days of chaos and all hell breaks loose, I have a mini-mommy-meltdown, and pull it together to make it last a few more weeks without freaking out. I know I am not alone in this. I know that I am preaching to the choir of many moms, single moms, single dads, whomever, that feel all of these emotions with me. Helpful? Not really. Reassuring? Maybe. But truthful? Absolutely.
Nothing is easy about being a mom. No matter what. And I don’t want to ever make it seem like what I do or don’t do is easy. I work really hard at everything that I do and I do a lot. It’s not to make it look easy or make it seem like I am some type of super-human. It’s not done for anyone to see as a standard or a stereotype. It’s just me. I do it because that’s me. I do it for my kids and my husband. I don’t put pressure on anyone but myself. I hold myself to entirely different standard. My expectations are probably pretty ridiculous. I can’t help it. And I cannot stop it. So, while I have my mommy moment right now and I stress over rushing home so that I can make some more foods for Holland, I know there will be an end to this madness in sight. Another beginning to a moment some point following – not knowing
if when the guilt will strike again. But I guess that’s what being a parent is all about – endless stress, worry, anxiety, and guilt from the moment you conceive that beautiful baby.
I’m going out on a limb here, but I feel like they’re all pretty worth it 😉
I’ll end my venting session now!